The Social Week!

What a week! Socializing galore! From outings with individual friends to social gathering with people from 7-8 countries, to send-offs, to treats and more partying, it's been one heady end-of-semester celebration! (And more to come! And my semester is technically not even done yet, haha!) The most number of people I've met within a week and the most fun I've had in a long time. Always great to be with friends!

Some bond over drinks, some over movies, some over games, some over philosophy, some over bitching (:P), there are so many facets to just how much you can connect with someone. It's amazing how so many of these outings weren't even planned; single pings, sudden whims, and off we went! Impromptu fun at its best! Some of them were times when I just woke up with nothing much to do (yeah that seems to be happening a lot lately, ignorance about work I say, bah it's summer!) or was down for seemingly no reason, and bam! Someone would call and drag me out.

I write this post just to say thanks to all the wonderful people I spent the past week with. It's truly a blessing to have so many friends and folk that care, when you're so far away from home. And some moving onto face greater adventures, I wish them the best! Thank you for being a part of my life, your presence makes it colorful. Cheers!

A year hath passed

Blogosphere! Thee must've missed me! (I really need to stop having these opening statements so often in my blog) It has been a year! As with every other post of mine, this one too comes at a time when I really have no time to blog. But since we (you, reader, and me) belong to the stop and stare with time to spare, I shalt go ahead and pour some nonetheless. (..And it just struck me that this is my first post from my MacBook Air! Thank you powers that be! :P)

The United States of America! Oh how do I even begin detailing the roller coaster ride this has been! (Yeah so I'm not going to :P) Not much difference to me from being home, except that Cincinnati is much sleepier and spacious than my Mumbai. I had no jet lag coming in changing 3 planes, I don't miss Indian food; family and friends back home are always in my heart and I still feel one with them. Being back to school after so many years was one change. Hopping from Production Engineering to Aerospace Engineering, a change of a lifetime. The classroom felt the same with aero having a huge batch size here. Clubs the same. People the same. A little ignorance here and an exchange of thought there, but pretty much all the same. There were DC, NYC and Texas trips in between. Ashamed to say I've seen more of USA than India. (*bucket list reformation*)

But in between all this, what I always still fall flat into the trap for are the people, always the people. Being a social junkie that I am, peeling myself off my friends and acquaintances is something I've never learnt to do. Same old overdos, same old expectation, and same old hurt. Being an active part of two big student groups here gets me to connect with more. A huge list of ego trainers I say. I guess you never stop learning there. Never stop believing, running the muck, getting hurt, falling down, and reinventing the cycle of getting back up. Past experiences only help so much as to show you how fucked up you've always been, not in showing you how you got back up the last time, no. Murphy shrouds that wisdom. "You're busy in your life presently of course, you don't have the time for people skills when you're after a different science degree, of course, I hear you, still, go spend time gathering yourself back up. Muhaha!"

And so it is. You give up. Throw up. Scream. Wait for an epiphany to hit you perhaps. Some angels come along, some leave, some stay back for you. A potpourri of advice, a hug, a shoulder squeeze. Again the people that bring you back up. You're never alone; somehow are never allowed to. Not when you're a dynamically invasive personality like myself, I guess. Work and business have somehow not worked for me in being distractions. They'd keep happening, but I really am two people in one when such 'crises' occur. One for work, one for them inundated emotions. One doesn't help with the other.

So my 'stitches' start where the threads went bare. Not with patches of cover up. And the needle work goes on, the fabric expands, reinforced here and there with the holy (my fancy new term for 'shitty') experiences of life. Blind unwavering unapologetic faith in myself. That is what I adorn. Peace.

Becoming Myself

"Here's how I became myself: mess, failure, mistakes, disappointments, and extensive reading; limbo, indecision, setbacks, addiction, public embarrassment, and endless conversations with my best women friends; the loss of people without whom I could not live, the loss of pets that left me reeling, dizzying betrayals but much  greater loyalty, and overall, choosing as my motto William Blake's line that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love."

Courtesy: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-To-Find-Out-Who-You-Really-Are-by-Anne-Lamott 

Yeah, almost there. Done and been through all of that. Somehow feels like I've already mentioned the same statement a few years ago to a close friend. Guess its double life-crises for me already! Stagnation within success, ambiguity within pursuit, ah, its almost time to become a poet.

Such is life dearies. Such is life.

I Am Me. And that's OK

(Beware: Ooh so personal rambling follows)

Inspite of being the class topper and the friendly-and-smart-one through school and beyond, I've always felt a lack. A mental image of myself on the lines of peer pressure (yeah, weird to be using that term at 24 when it's more associated with teens :P). A weird sense of self and 'others'. My ego always has had a high head but internally, I am shy. Externally, I'm conditonally (situation and people) an extrovert or an introvert.

In simpler terms: I've always longed for Acceptance. External Validation.

Amongst a group of strangers thrown in together (like my corporate training sessions), I'm the charm of the group. Heck, who knows me here? Easy to be the best! But with people I've known a while and those who've known (and judged) me a while, I'm wary. I'd either do anything they like doing too or try to force them into doing things my way. I can only be faintly stubborn and not authoritative, so I either mostly end up being submissive, or annoyed like a kid without choc. I'm mostly alone inside, however loud outside I may be. But for those that tread within closer borders, I'm the most clingy-cum-dictating soul ever!

Past specifics kept aside, and acknowledging all the spiritual learning and likewise I've been doing over the years, I'm finally at a point of: 'It's OK.' I have a bunch of awesome friends and I have a lotta fun too. And I needn't be anything like anybody else, I'm ME! I am "[a] Zombie.Dusky.Production Engineer.Metal Misc Head.Novel Silverfish.PC Junkie.TV Couchie." (Courtesy: Mon Twitter)

It's OK if I'm sitting home and not zeroing in on a job yet.
It's OK if I still haven't finished my US application for Masters.
It's OK if I din't celebrate the New Year partying in Goa.
It's OK if I missed Maiden and Opeth.
It's OK if I haven't been on any major trek yet.
It's OK at every thing I haven't done yet or won't likely be doing anytime soon.

Life's still exciting and I have so much more still to do!! So flushing all self doubt - something only close ones knew I had so I don't know why I'm quite announcing it out loud anyway but whatever (It's OK!:P) -  down the drain,  here' embracing the New Year 2012 with full vigour and joy! It's gonna be an awesome year ahead!! XOXO

A Night to be blogged about

Using 'kal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab' at all the wrong times, this is another post I couldn't wait till morning (afternoon in my case, I see no morning) to post. I'm down with a fever and them heavy med doses usually put me off like a baby, but have been amazingly awake all night, two nights straight.

Had one of those 'hyperactive mind runs a trillion movies' nights tonight. Widest range of topics that covered my brain in one night so far though! From Metallica's cancelled Delhi concert to Anil Kapoor striking gold with MI4, from how much time I should give to singular friends (thus preventing eventual rub off of singular views on me without me realising it, variety keeps me stable,i guess) to the Theory of Relativity.

If I could even just list all that ran through, this post would be my (or any blogger's) longest. And if I could elaborate on each topic, I'd never run out of posts for this blog! #thought to be noted. Instant counter thought, no kidding, how # has infact replaced double asterisks or ** for tagging.:P

And it so happens that hyperactive's insomniac dad was awake too, so post-retirement dad and post-resignation daughter (basically, jobless :D) bonded over 5am coffee cuppas, and singular brain movies got
exchanged vent! We had some groundbreaking discussions that never happened during light of day. Amazing experience.

Ooh and the enemy of the scene - Mom, wakes up to shoo us to bed! Off now, Mom's going to empty the rest of her fury when dad-daughter sleep soundly into important morning hours (though Dad still manages to wake up early somehow and teams up with Mom against me in waking me up in a most pestering manner with 'what will we do with a daughter like you' implications) while she's left alone in handling the house chores and visitors. Tsk, amazed how lil sis sleeps peacefully through all this action.

Good night-morning!

Love is..when not

She has the most wonderful man in her life,
yet she doesn't.
She is the luckiest woman in the world,
still she's not:

"How do I erase love,
when there can't be hate?
How do I replace space,
where the memory remains?

How do I be your friend,
when I love you more?
How do I feel no more,
when I've felt so deep?

How do I laugh out loud,
when I weep inside?
How do I cry out loud,
when your shoulder's gone?

How do I let you go,
when I'm bound so fast?
How do I hold you nigh,
when you cast a void?

When do the tears run dry,
for the one I cry?
When do I weep no more,
for the days go by?

How do I let this go,
when it's already gone?
How do I swallow and smile,
when its real no more?

There is one true love,
the one that's always mine.
But friends we will be,
so love can always shine, so it can always shine.."

And so the love remains,
a ceaseless flow.
Love it is..always, when not.

Nu Day!

Ok after such a long hiatus, 2 posts in a day is too much, but ah, make hay while the sun shines.
       
So a new day, I've shifted to Kalamboli btw. That's somewhere between Kharghar and Panvel in Navi Mumbai. Was previously staying at Chembur, Mumbai. Din't have to drop kid sis off to school early morn today, so overslept (yay!). After a quick stint in the kitchen for some cooking, and a bit of twitter replies, I'm on the PC to blog!

Part reason is I have so many physical and electronic diaries already, that my thoughts are all stored in different places like separate horcruxes, if I may, with zero connectivity. I write on the first available piece of parchment (of various forms like i said) I get. So I've decided, truth be told, I'l stick to this blogger site for my diary entries from now. Every other form I may lose, but this site will hopefully stay up forever!

So today's goal is to do some verbal for my GRE, I'm liking the vocabulary building, except that all these years I did it for the love of it and now I'm doing it for the necessity (psst..but 'necessity' is my red alert 'against' efficient working). And I'l touch upon some 'Issue' and 'Arguement' essays.

Boring itinerary but running out of time. August 16th is the day of the grand test. Universe shower down wisdom upon me! May I conquer what I've set out to do!

Happy day to you!

So much has changed! Crossroads

Engineering, done.
Job exp., 2 years, check. Resignation, check.
GRE, on.
Break downs, check.
Many birthdays, parties, sleepovers, sleep over (as in 'too much'), all check.
Too many movies, way too many, check.
Too many TV series, check.
End to the silver screen Potter legacy, sigh.
More novels, check.
Shifting residences after 23 years of fixated love to one place.sigh.
New Age ancient philosophy, The Secret, The Power, check.

I am now at the crossroads of life.
My career is at  a standstill as i take time off to ponder over and under-prepare for the GRE.
My friends have been tried and tested and tried again to see who can really handle me and whom I can handle. Some have fallen apart. Closest.
Been sitting home since 4 months and don't see any significant personal growth in the time I've taken off..oh, did i mention we were 'busy' moving homes?

As more ramblings than those I've written above float about in my head while I try to concentrate on the single most important issue of the moment (the GRE ofcourse!), I wonder which way I'm going. It really is difficult to pick up and move on when I have my ego attached to the way every living cell in my body functions, every thought my mind beholds, every situation it foretells or shapes, every memory it churns up and shows.

So it really comes down to a tipping point, doesn't it?
The choice between who I am,my ego,my self... and who I want to become.

Ironically, the latter is what I already was before my present state of self. So...how does one find oneself again?