What shutting up about my 'chums' has taught me

Period. That time of the month. I hate it when I have to call it 'stomach ache', 'body ache', 'umm just feeling sick' and such other whine to my male friends. How I can't be all out open about it and just say, "Menstrual cramps, yo". So many instances come to mind. From something as simple as when I'd be judged for skimping off swimming sessions, to when I'd be called "not a devout muslim" for not fasting during the month of Ramadan by some imbecile non-friends. (Atheist now, I still fast when I'm not chumming coz I like it, and no I absolutely detest diets) I'm not conservative and nor are my friends, and yet it is a detail I'd rather just not divulge, a very personal thing.

On the other hand, I'm a whiner. I do crib a lot about every other pain I feel. That headache, oh that sprain, ugh this knee, darn this backache, crap my stomach hurts. I always instantly hate it when I do crib. I don't like being that soddy whiny ol' ass. But I talk, a lot. And these complaints somehow always surface as my filler items here and there. And considering most of my friends presently are guys, so it's them strong boys that happen to be my audience for the crib sessions mostly, I so hate it!

So on my way back from University in the shuttle today, on day 2 of my monthly uterine woes, I was wondering to myself about this chummy secret situation. Having had sprained one leg and one arm after just 2 days of fasting day before, it was like the two sides were finally having a face off. I'd been feeling pissed at myself for having cribbed about what a weakling I can be, for the zillionth time. And suddenly then I was like wait, I don't crib about the greatest of the recurring curse ever. The 5 days of "all I wanna do is sit home and clutch tummy", preceded by 3-4 days of PMS gloom (there have been times when I'd be oh so depressed, and have this sudden moment of clarity when I'd snap up wondering why the fuck am I even so depressed and look up the calendar and go, "Ah!.."), the plentiful abdominal pain, backaches, weakness, etc., etc., every month, so many years. I no crib! So me strong. Heck I played soccer in the rain yesterday on day 1 of july blues! So yeah, them men have no idea of the potential crib percentage they're actually spared of every month!

But that is when it struck me, I shut up about my menstrual cramps, so it should be just as easy to shut up with other crib sessions. I still don't take blame for letting them slip as often as I do,  when the opposite person has nothing else to speak of to fill the conversation (:P) but heck, just for my own peace of mind! And so yes, even for the overly liberal/leftist/non-conversative me, shutting up about my uterine crampfest is a well made choice. Peace out!

P.S. 'Chums' is what some of my girlfriends call periods, from back in high school. I guess it was developed as a code word to indicate solidarity amongst the sisterhood when out in the world that has them boys.

P.P.S./Edit: As of the months immediately following this post, that wall has half crumbled. I welcome all my male friends into my monthly woes now. *thumbs up* you oughta know! Beginning from when I'm PMSing... .... .... %#&*#^*... ....

Strength

Dismantling hurt

Killing emotion
Forgetting pain
Numbing direction

Forged in stone
Value Illusion
All surreal
Falsification

Heart trembles
Holding delusion
Misdemeanor
Righteous suppression

Worlds collide
In this redemption
The living thrive
Seeking correction

Faith dies
Wake of destruction
Hope cries
Resurrection

Strength we find
In realization
When all else fails
Inner reflection

Silence is bliss
Ignorance golden
Flight to glory
Character molten

Moulding anew
Heightened sensation
All arise
Reverberation

A new day is here
A new dawn is here
The sun shines through
Everything's clear..

Summer 2013!

Every summer I have plans to do this and that. And this summer ain't even off time, my coursework has dragged onto it, marring the fun (not much) in truest fullness. So there's still coursework while I try to fit in the summer goals. The list is kinda long and is up on my room's wall. My project, a musical instrument, some exercise, a language, some novels, some travel, the works. They've never been up on any wall before and stashed away in diaries and Evernotes so right now it is atleast something I see daily first thing when I wake up. Also this article: http://ankurmans.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/my-90-day-summer-street-workout-challenge/ by a friend Ankur has me hooked onto the habit development plan.

So though I'd be resorting to Ankur's tracking sheet and my own Evernote and Google Calendar, I'd use in some measure of non-spam, this blog. This summer being different what with my post away-from-home-near-traumatic-people-issues (sounds crappier than real, I'm a happy optimistic person still) and larger than life project work, deserves special logging, and there ain't no better place than my blog to do it.

Updates galore this summer, as a log to myself on how good or bad I am in following through with goals I set out to achieve. Summer 2013, here I come!

A year hath passed

Blogosphere! Thee must've missed me! (I really need to stop having these opening statements so often in my blog) It has been a year! As with every other post of mine, this one too comes at a time when I really have no time to blog. But since we (you, reader, and me) belong to the stop and stare with time to spare, I shalt go ahead and pour some nonetheless. (..And it just struck me that this is my first post from my MacBook Air! Thank you powers that be! :P)

The United States of America! Oh how do I even begin detailing the roller coaster ride this has been! (Yeah so I'm not going to :P) Not much difference to me from being home, except that Cincinnati is much sleepier and spacious than my Mumbai. I had no jet lag coming in changing 3 planes, I don't miss Indian food; family and friends back home are always in my heart and I still feel one with them. Being back to school after so many years was one change. Hopping from Production Engineering to Aerospace Engineering, a change of a lifetime. The classroom felt the same with aero having a huge batch size here. Clubs the same. People the same. A little ignorance here and an exchange of thought there, but pretty much all the same. There were DC, NYC and Texas trips in between. Ashamed to say I've seen more of USA than India. (*bucket list reformation*)

But in between all this, what I always still fall flat into the trap for are the people, always the people. Being a social junkie that I am, peeling myself off my friends and acquaintances is something I've never learnt to do. Same old overdos, same old expectation, and same old hurt. Being an active part of two big student groups here gets me to connect with more. A huge list of ego trainers I say. I guess you never stop learning there. Never stop believing, running the muck, getting hurt, falling down, and reinventing the cycle of getting back up. Past experiences only help so much as to show you how fucked up you've always been, not in showing you how you got back up the last time, no. Murphy shrouds that wisdom. "You're busy in your life presently of course, you don't have the time for people skills when you're after a different science degree, of course, I hear you, still, go spend time gathering yourself back up. Muhaha!"

And so it is. You give up. Throw up. Scream. Wait for an epiphany to hit you perhaps. Some angels come along, some leave, some stay back for you. A potpourri of advice, a hug, a shoulder squeeze. Again the people that bring you back up. You're never alone; somehow are never allowed to. Not when you're a dynamically invasive personality like myself, I guess. Work and business have somehow not worked for me in being distractions. They'd keep happening, but I really am two people in one when such 'crises' occur. One for work, one for them inundated emotions. One doesn't help with the other.

So my 'stitches' start where the threads went bare. Not with patches of cover up. And the needle work goes on, the fabric expands, reinforced here and there with the holy (my fancy new term for 'shitty') experiences of life. Blind unwavering unapologetic faith in myself. That is what I adorn. Peace.

Becoming Myself

"Here's how I became myself: mess, failure, mistakes, disappointments, and extensive reading; limbo, indecision, setbacks, addiction, public embarrassment, and endless conversations with my best women friends; the loss of people without whom I could not live, the loss of pets that left me reeling, dizzying betrayals but much  greater loyalty, and overall, choosing as my motto William Blake's line that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love."

Courtesy: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-To-Find-Out-Who-You-Really-Are-by-Anne-Lamott 

Yeah, almost there. Done and been through all of that. Somehow feels like I've already mentioned the same statement a few years ago to a close friend. Guess its double life-crises for me already! Stagnation within success, ambiguity within pursuit, ah, its almost time to become a poet.

Such is life dearies. Such is life.

On the Learning Curve: Philosophy

Secret. The Law of Attraction. Subconscious Mind. Atonement.

Being showered with hordes of teachers since past 2 years. Ask and ye shalt receive. Life questions and philosophy, The New Thought, all being bombarded at me from different sources. Truly enriching. Call it too much free time or too much non sense, I never seem to get enough of what I read. I read more, hear more (podcasts), see more (webcasts). Each author/teacher leads to more teachers, and the journey continues.

Rhonda Byrne, Esther Hicks, Eckhart Tolle, Richard Bach, Neale Donald Walsch, Jack Canfield, Jane Roberts, Randy Pausch, Charles Haanel, Bob Proctor, Wallace Wattles, Napolean Hill..... I can go on. And wow, to see so many names I've read on one topic, it amazes even me as I write this.What's amazing is how much these teachings intersperse in what we read of hear in mainstream media. In works of the likes of Oprah Winfrey, John Lennon, Dan Brown, J.K.Rowling, Ayn Rand and too many more. Din't really know I could read so much on a segment of Non-fiction that isn't even a story. A study. Learning in this 'field' truly interests, intrigues and grips me. Life comes a full circle (at age 24) when I'm consumed in this pursuit. 

As I imbibe it all in my way of life and living, hope I contribute my bit to the spread and awareness of the same as I move along. That, and a world steeped in peace and prosperity, is a dream most cherished and nurtured. Amen!

I Am Me. And that's OK

(Beware: Ooh so personal rambling follows)

Inspite of being the class topper and the friendly-and-smart-one through school and beyond, I've always felt a lack. A mental image of myself on the lines of peer pressure (yeah, weird to be using that term at 24 when it's more associated with teens :P). A weird sense of self and 'others'. My ego always has had a high head but internally, I am shy. Externally, I'm conditonally (situation and people) an extrovert or an introvert.

In simpler terms: I've always longed for Acceptance. External Validation.

Amongst a group of strangers thrown in together (like my corporate training sessions), I'm the charm of the group. Heck, who knows me here? Easy to be the best! But with people I've known a while and those who've known (and judged) me a while, I'm wary. I'd either do anything they like doing too or try to force them into doing things my way. I can only be faintly stubborn and not authoritative, so I either mostly end up being submissive, or annoyed like a kid without choc. I'm mostly alone inside, however loud outside I may be. But for those that tread within closer borders, I'm the most clingy-cum-dictating soul ever!

Past specifics kept aside, and acknowledging all the spiritual learning and likewise I've been doing over the years, I'm finally at a point of: 'It's OK.' I have a bunch of awesome friends and I have a lotta fun too. And I needn't be anything like anybody else, I'm ME! I am "[a] Zombie.Dusky.Production Engineer.Metal Misc Head.Novel Silverfish.PC Junkie.TV Couchie." (Courtesy: Mon Twitter)

It's OK if I'm sitting home and not zeroing in on a job yet.
It's OK if I still haven't finished my US application for Masters.
It's OK if I din't celebrate the New Year partying in Goa.
It's OK if I missed Maiden and Opeth.
It's OK if I haven't been on any major trek yet.
It's OK at every thing I haven't done yet or won't likely be doing anytime soon.

Life's still exciting and I have so much more still to do!! So flushing all self doubt - something only close ones knew I had so I don't know why I'm quite announcing it out loud anyway but whatever (It's OK!:P) -  down the drain,  here' embracing the New Year 2012 with full vigour and joy! It's gonna be an awesome year ahead!! XOXO

My Idol: Ma'am Radha

Visited school today to get my marksheet photocopies attested. Part of MS formalities. Waiting outside the Headmistress' cabin, I suddenly noticed through the glass panes that she was busy meeting with some of her staff inside. Peering further I saw that the one speaking was my beloved teacher of Std.X, Mrs. Radha Balakrishnan!! The brightest and best teacher I've had yet!! I'd thought she'd already left school! Me being from the Class of 2003, most of my teachers had by now left school. I felt tremendous joy to see her there then! On the threshold of going to the next level of my education (a master's degree), what better blessing than to chance upon the one teacher who embodied the joy and enthusiasm of Science and Math, the spirit of education and the integrity of the Classroom?

Her energy during course delivery and her acute memory at remembering all our names - this for instant access to bombard us with rapid fire questions and keep us standing till we manage to answer atleast one right - was invigorating. She'd jumble names at times but no matter; the name she calls you with is yours till she wills so. We were at the edge of our seats throughout her lecture, alert and attentive, grasping every word, every formula she'd spell. She had her unique - and fast - way of drilling facts right into our very conscience! What was already a brilliant 12 years of schooling at my Alma Mater, was topped with Ma'am Radha being my class teacher in final year. After passing out of school, I had the good fortune of meeting her not more than 2-3 times.

Eight years later today, waiting outside that cabin, I was joyfully rehearsing a quick intro of myself- for she might've surely forgotten me by now? Bidding the Headmistress adieu cheerfully, she turned to exit the cabin. And seeing me, stopped right at the exit with joyous shock and exclaimed,

"Sameeha!!!!"

I was visually taken aback on hearing that and gasped back, "You remember my name!!"

"Sameeha Jahangir!!!!!" she piped still.

It was like being called out to receive an award! That was all I could take in marvelling at her super crisp memory and love. There was no depth left for the respect and gratitude I felt for her. She quickly caught up and had herself updated on my adventures post school. My plan of MS in Aerospace Engg delighted her endless! "NASA! There's NASA there! You must get in! The best place to be!!"  Saying this she turned to her newer fellow teacher and beamed,

"Brilliant student of my class. She."

Award delivered. With profuse wishes and blessings, she anointed me to face my future with determined pursuit.

There are many reasons to why I am who I am, and why I'm going where I'm going, but success I find, only in and due to, the ideals of idols like my beloved school teacher, Ma'am Radha.

A Night to be blogged about

Using 'kal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab' at all the wrong times, this is another post I couldn't wait till morning (afternoon in my case, I see no morning) to post. I'm down with a fever and them heavy med doses usually put me off like a baby, but have been amazingly awake all night, two nights straight.

Had one of those 'hyperactive mind runs a trillion movies' nights tonight. Widest range of topics that covered my brain in one night so far though! From Metallica's cancelled Delhi concert to Anil Kapoor striking gold with MI4, from how much time I should give to singular friends (thus preventing eventual rub off of singular views on me without me realising it, variety keeps me stable,i guess) to the Theory of Relativity.

If I could even just list all that ran through, this post would be my (or any blogger's) longest. And if I could elaborate on each topic, I'd never run out of posts for this blog! #thought to be noted. Instant counter thought, no kidding, how # has infact replaced double asterisks or ** for tagging.:P

And it so happens that hyperactive's insomniac dad was awake too, so post-retirement dad and post-resignation daughter (basically, jobless :D) bonded over 5am coffee cuppas, and singular brain movies got
exchanged vent! We had some groundbreaking discussions that never happened during light of day. Amazing experience.

Ooh and the enemy of the scene - Mom, wakes up to shoo us to bed! Off now, Mom's going to empty the rest of her fury when dad-daughter sleep soundly into important morning hours (though Dad still manages to wake up early somehow and teams up with Mom against me in waking me up in a most pestering manner with 'what will we do with a daughter like you' implications) while she's left alone in handling the house chores and visitors. Tsk, amazed how lil sis sleeps peacefully through all this action.

Good night-morning!